The Other Half
by Rosie Denn
Summary: Losing your Heart is simple, but trying to get it back again is painfully hard. A retelling of 358/2, with the parts that you didn't see in the game. Told from both Axel and Roxas's perspectives.
1. Beginnings of a Friendship

Author's Note: This story is best understood if you have played the Kingdom Hearts game 358/2 Days. I have tried to stay as much in continuity with it as possible. However, I have not finished playing Birth By Sleep and have not even purchased Dream Drop Distance, so this story is most likely not in continuity with them. I would appreciate no spoilers for those games. Also, I am not featuring Xion as a main character because I feel that she doesn't fit into this story – this is about Axel and Roxas – so, she's there, in the background, just not mentioned in context. Please accept this story as it is.

_**Axel**_

My life was a lie.

I know, a lot of overly-dramatic people tend to say that, and some of them may not be exaggerating too much, but I definitely wasn't. My life wasn't really a life. Or, at least, it wasn't what I'd call a real life. See, I had something missing, something really important. The horrible thing was that I had given it up willingly, given up the most important thing in my entire existence because I'd seen an opportunity and heedlessly went for it.

I had been stupid.

But there was some consolation. We members of Organization XIII were special among our fellow Nobodies for several reasons, but one of the main ones being that we could remember what it was like to be Somebody. We all retained our memories of the life before, and it was for this reason that we appeared to have personalities. But it was all a ruse, whether we wanted to admit it or not. We didn't feel. We couldn't. There was no reason for us to feel. Whenever one of us was upset, or intrigued, or angry, or amused, we just acted the way we knew we should act in the given circumstances if we still possessed Hearts. We were imitators, pretending to be Somebodies.

We were all a bunch of liars.

It was the only explanation that ever made any sense to me. Why else would all of us retain so much of our former selves in demeanor when we actually had nothing guiding us to act? That's what a Heart did: gave a person a reason for being. We didn't have Hearts, so what the hell were we supposed to do? The real fact of the matter was that, while we all more or less looked exactly as we did prior to losing our Hearts, we were just empty shells, vessels for our lost memories. The vessels took on the attributes that were most dominant in our former selves and imitated a functioning personality. None of us could ever evolve because we had no core, no guiding force prompting change and development. We were automatons, mimicking a former life that was programmed into our data bank of files, our memories… the only thing guiding us to live without our Hearts.

But was it really living? I wondered that often enough during the time spent alone in my room, when I couldn't sleep. I supposed we all knew deep inside that we weren't living, not anymore, not without our Hearts. And that's why we all ultimately agreed to join Xemnas's group, why we all tolerated each other and managed to work together in order to achieve our collective goal: to regain our Hearts.

Me, though, I liked to consider myself a simple-needs kind of guy. So, I focused more on a much more particular personal goal, and that was survival. Continuing to exist, in one form or another, was the ultimate reason for my general (what some would argue to be impertinent) behavior.

I ended up on the path of a Nobody to become stronger, better, but that decision had made me lose much more than I ever gained. It hadn't been worth it, the loss of my Heart for more strength. The fact that I admitted this now definitely put me in the minority among my comrades. I had made a mistake. I admitted that. But doing so did nothing to immediately alter the circumstances I had made for myself. I had to live with the consequences.

But that didn't mean that I had to be passive about the whole thing now, did it?

I had no idea if I could ever be 'fixed.' All I knew was that being a Nobody was a cold, hard truth. So, I decided the only thing I could do was to stay alive, survive as best I could. Maybe a solution would come along someday. But, until then, I'd just exist. As best as a Nobody could, anyway.

I went with the Organization because they seemed like the most reasonable option at the time. Staying with the other Nobodies was my best chance at survival. So, that's what I did. Besides, it's not like I had anywhere else to go or anything.

For a while, everything was simple.

I played the Organization's game. I did what I was ordered to do without overdoing the snide remarks (too much). That way, no one gave me more than an annoyed passing thought. Mostly, though, I just kept to myself.

I appeared to be a social animal, poking fun at the others, most often appearing with a smile on my face. But I always preferred the times when I was alone. Then, I could drop the smile, drop the jokes, drop the act.

I usually just sat and thought, about the past mostly. I never had to think about the future much – when you run around like a trained dog, you get the luxury of not having to worry about what tomorrow may bring. Occasionally, though, I would consider my next couple of steps. Despite appearances to the contrary, I was a thinker, and I periodically stopped to check that the track I was on was still the best for my personal goal. Still, for the most part, I kept my head down and my fires burning.

It was better that way, being alone. Easier. Less fuss and no distractions to potentially get me mixed up and forgetting my priorities. It wasn't ideal, maybe, but my entire existence had become less than ideal, so it kind of went with the theme, you know? That was my general motto: keep things simple and then achieving my goal would be just as simple.

…

Then Roxas came.

_**Roxas**_

I was there.

That's the first thing I remember.

It wasn't so much of a thought as it was an… awareness.

I didn't know where I was, or who I was, but I was there.

A blank slate.

Every so often, I wonder what would have happened to me if Xemnas hadn't found me. Probably just wandered around like some lost animal until someone else picked me up. Or maybe, I'd still be out there, alone and not knowing who I was (which isn't so different from how I ended up, I suppose).

I guess you could say that Xemnas made me; he gave me a name and a place to be. And I don't mean the Castle, so much as the Organization. I didn't understand it at the time, I wasn't capable of it, but he gave me a home. Even if it turned out to be a false one in the end.

He also gave me a purpose: to work for the Organization and their goal of creating Kingdom Hearts. I never really knew what that meant while I was working toward it. Nobody told me, and I was trusting enough to simply do as I was told and follow my orders blindly. I only realized much later what a mistake that was.

I remember walking into that circular room for the first time, so blindingly white. I kept my head down, not because my eyes hurt from the stark color, but because I had no reason to pick it up. I could sense the other Nobodies on their high seats, I could hear them discussing me, yet it was like I wasn't registering what they were saying. I could hear them, I understood what their words meant, but they just didn't affect me. Words were being spoken, but they didn't really affect me; I kept being whether they were spoken or not.

There was one presence that was different, though, and it wasn't one of the ones raised high on the throne-like chairs. It was right behind me. It felt… warmer somehow. I may have just been sensing his control of the fire element, but it was a different kind of heat than flame. It was something coming from the inside, faint, but persistent. I wondered why it was only coming from him. I felt it even more strongly when he put his hand on my shoulder when it was time to leave. At the same exact moment, I felt something similar ignite within me, deep, deep down. It was too deep to cause any physical reaction on my part, I could barely sense it, but it was there, like someone had lit a tiny candle in a cavernous pit.

I looked up to my right. I saw a smile. It was the first one I had seen in the short time I'd been aware. It held such warmth. And I wondered, was that the source I had felt? It had potential, but there was something not quite right about it.

Then, I noticed the eyes. Bright, burning green eyes. And I realized that that had been the source of the warmth I had already felt, before I even saw it. I felt the heat of those eyes. They were intense, and I blinked, finally feeling marginally overcome by the rays travelling through me. I didn't smile back, I wasn't sure how, but I was fascinated, before I even knew what the idea meant, by those eyes.

Of course, after that I took in his hair, and I wondered how anything could have detracted from that brilliant sweep. He used the hand on my shoulder to turn me around and lead me out of the room into the less stark hallway.

I learned that his name was Axel. He told me to memorize it. I don't know why; it wasn't a hard name to recall, and he was certainly distinct. From the first moment I met Axel, even my empty hole of a brain recognized that he was different from the other Organization members. I realized later that it was how he acted toward me that was so different. He didn't just treat me as a new soldier for the cause, or a nuisance, or some kind of walking experiment like the others.

He treated me as if I were a Somebody.

I think it was because he wanted so badly to be treated as one himself.

And in our time together, that was the biggest lie he ever told me.

No, that's wrong…

It was the biggest lie he ever told himself.

_**Axel**_

I could hardly believe it. I could hardly believe that anyone could be so… oblivious.

Roxas was a piece of work. He was so damn literal. (Locating a chest, but not opening it? Seriously?). I wondered how he got through the day without someone ordering him to breathe every five seconds. I knew the boy's brain must be working in there somehow, the kid just didn't know what to do with himself. Roxas was like a processor without any data; he could function just fine, but there were no executions being inputted through his system, so he had no directive. I helped him out as best I could, while making fun of him along the way, of course. I had to keep it interesting for myself, and Roxas sure as hell wasn't providing any comedic relief.

The kid was lost. And the really terrible thing was, he probably knew he was, but had absolutely no idea how to go about fixing it.

So, I took him for ice cream. What else was I supposed to do? I had gotten a treat in this world a few times before; I'd been wandering around after a mission, and stumbled upon the little shop that sold that incredibly odd, yet incredibly sweet flavor. I knew Roxas would automatically want to go right back to the castle, but I sure as hell didn't, and I figured having the zombie-kid with me wouldn't cramp my style too much. He might actually turn out to be somewhat entertaining, if I could get him to talk.

It was nice enough, sitting up there, eating ice cream with Roxas. I'd gone up to eat at the top of the Clock Tower once before, and the view was spectacular. I liked going up there, looking at the colors in the sky, the brush of the breeze on my face and being above everything else in this world. I wanted to memorize it all, so that, if I ever got my Heart back, I'd be able to enjoy the memory.

I looked over at Roxas. The boy was a shell. He didn't have a Heart, the same as any Nobody, but his… not 'existence,' none of us actually existed… condition then, Roxas's condition was worse than any of ours. And that was because he had no memories. The rest of us, the other members of the Organization, carried on acting out our personalities because we could remember how we were supposed to be. Roxas couldn't remember, so he was just an empty vessel, a dumb lost consciousness wandering around without a purpose. Xemnas had given him, given all of us, a purpose within the Organization. But, still, I felt sorry for Roxas. He was more of a Nobody than any of us.

_**Roxas**_

I didn't do much those first few days, aside from carry out my orders. I didn't know what else to do. It may have been simple, but it gave me something to do with myself. It was Axel who showed me that there could be more to existence than doing what you're told.

There were several members of the Organization who made it clear enough that they didn't care for the rules imposed on them, but Axel was the only one I knew who actually went out of his way to break them. Or, at least, bend them a bit.

I actually don't remember much of the first time Axel and I went out on a mission together. He's told me that I basically acted like a zombie the whole time. I take his word for it. I do remember that first time we went up to the Clock Tower and had ice cream. It was a new experience for me, and I know, for me, that's not saying much, but it still meant a lot. That was the first time I registered what it was like to just exist, just to be, without any other objective getting in the way. I couldn't 'be' much that day, since I still hadn't developed my own personality yet, but it was my first chance to… start becoming me, I guess. And I was discovering myself with my first friend: Axel.

Later, back at the Castle, I asked him what had been the point of going up to the top of the Clock Tower and eating a snack. Axel replied, "To enjoy ourselves, Rox." That nickname. I have no idea why he felt the need to shorten my name, it wasn't that long to begin with, but he persisted in doing it.

"'Enjoy ourselves?'" I repeated.

"Yeah, you know, take a break and a reward for a job well done."

"How do you 'enjoy' something?"

"Jeez, kid, how do you-" Axel abruptly stopped walking and turned his gaze forward; he had been looking at me previously. He stood there for a moment, thinking, I assumed.

After a few more seconds of silence, I tried to regain his attention. "Axel…?"

He blinked. Then, his mouth set in a firm line. He had been half-smiling a minute before. "Don't worry about it. Catch you later, Roxas." He walked a few paces forward and turned toward the door on his left, opening it and shutting it again immediately after he'd passed through. I heard no other sound come from behind it.

I walked a few steps forward and looked up at the top of the frame – there was a large V and three I's in relief at the center. This was Axel's room. I stood and regarded the door for a moment, then continued on down the hall to my own room. I didn't know what had caused Axel to react that way to my question. It seemed simple enough to me, but I learned that there was hardly ever a simple answer to a simple question.

I also eventually learned that many of the answers I was given weren't even true, or else, they were only half-true, and meant to lead me to a different conclusion than what was reality. Yet, at the time, I was willing to take everything as it was given to me, explaining away any confusion I felt to my inexperience with the world. I was so accepting.

When you look at my beginnings, I guess you could say my life was based on a bunch of lies and unversed truths. Maybe that's why it all eventually collapsed around me.

_**Axel**_

It was another evening at the Clock Tower. And then Roxas dropped a bomb on me:

"Axel..." he asked, "what happens when we die?"

That one threw me for a loop. How the hell was I supposed to respond to a question like that? I mean, it was one thing to have this discussion in your average circumstances, say, with a young child who's confronted with the circle of life for the first time. But this… this was impossibly awkward, no other way to describe it.

I didn't say anything right away. I didn't even turn my head from gazing out at the horizon. I heard Roxas move and then settle, and figured that he might be watching me, waiting patiently. I guess the kid trusted that I would answer when I was ready.

I finally responded, "You mean, what happens when Nobodies die?"

I didn't make it a condescending question, and Roxas didn't take it as such. I guess he could sense something else in my tone, something that I don't know if either of us could name. "I guess…" he said softly from my left.

I had no idea what the hell happened to Nobodies when they… we… died. I usually didn't think about profound questions like that. They made my head hurt. Still, I didn't want to leave the kid hanging; he was obviously trusting me enough to openly ask me about this crazy idea. So, I opted for something that I overheard in the Chilly Academic's lab once. "I heard Vexen say that Nobodies simply fade from existence. We're just erased, and, since we don't have Hearts, nothing lingers after us. That's our fate, if we die without first reclaiming Kingdom Hearts."

I glanced over at Roxas. He was looking down, and, I couldn't be sure, but he looked like he was almost in pain. Like, there was something wrong in his gut, or something. I couldn't decipher it any more than that. "That's terrible," he whispered.

"But," I continued, hoping his expression might change when I did, "for the stronger Nobodies, like all of us in the Organization, there is also the possibility of a 'Next Life.' He didn't say what that would be exactly, or even what the chances are of it actually being true, but it would mean that we would continue to exist, in some form. It wouldn't necessarily be in a world we've already known either, it might be in one that we couldn't get to otherwise, but, maybe, we'd be reborn into that new world."

"Would we still look the same?" Roxas asked.

I chuckled a bit at his innocence and answered, "I don't know; Vexen didn't say. But, he made it seem like we'd still be us somehow."

"What do you believe, Axel?"

I blinked and looked over at Roxas. This had been the longest I'd contemplated this topic to date, so I didn't exactly have an opinion on it. Sure, I'd overheard that conversation Vexen had been having with Xemnas, but I didn't waste any more brainpower on it afterward. It was just more information to be stored away. It's not like I pondered the mysteries of my being much. To me, it was simple: I existed, but without a Heart, a Heart that I was told to try and reclaim. Though, as far as I was concerned, I just had to make sure I kept existing, because I didn't know. I didn't know what would happen to me if my situation changed again. And it was better to keep going at what you do know than trust you're fate to a possibility.

"I don't know," I answered truthfully.

Roxas gazed back out at the ever-setting sun. After a minute, he said, "I hope there is a Next Life for us."

I laughed softly again. Roxas really was a simple kind of guy, like me, I guessed, just with a lot less experience at his disposal. I decided to keep looking out for the little guy. He wasn't bad to have around, and these times eating ice cream were pretty nice.

_**Roxas**_

I came to look forward to those times on the Clock Tower. They were always the best part of my day.

There was a gentle silence as we ate our ice cream. Then, I swallowed and paused before randomly remarking, "Oh, I get it now."

"Get what?" inquired Axel. He perked up slightly, eyebrow raised in confusion. I understood why; a generic statement like that could lead to any number of possible revelations.

"Why we hang out here all the time," I replied. "It's a town of twilight."

"That would be why they named it 'Twilight Town,' yeah. You said so yourself, Rox." Axel smirked as he took another bite.

"Well, yeah, but why we're here so much. We're Nobodies, right? And Xemnas said that Nobodies exist between the Light and the Dark. So it makes sense why we'd hang out in a place that's the same as us. Twilight – between Light and Dark. Get it?"

Axel regarded me for a moment before smirking again looking down at his treat. "And here I thought it was just 'cause it's the only place that sells this flavor ice cream." He looked me in the eyes. A small grin crept up on my face.

"Vexen was right, you really have no mind for philosophy."

"Nah, I'm a doer. Act first, ponder the implications later." Axel took another satisfying bite of ice cream.

I grinned at my friend. As much trouble as Axel's personality got him all the time, it was a wonder he hadn't already been kicked out of the Organization. I wondered what a Nobody would have to do to commit a crime that bad. Maybe Axel just hadn't found that line yet. Still, he did always get the job done, even if his methods were a little… sidetracked at times.

"Hey, Roxas." Axel waved a hand in front of my eyes, as I'd been staring out over the station plaza. "Don't go all zombie on me again, okay?"

"Sorry," I said, "guess I was spacing out."

"Well don't. You weren't any fun back then." Axel reached out to ruffle my hair. "Matter of fact, you used to freak me out a bit."

"Gee, thanks," I said, a small laugh and a genuine smile escaping as I batted Axel's hand away.

"Well," said Axel as he stretched his arms above his head, one hand holding a now clean ice cream stick, "shall we head back home sweet home?"

I looked at the quarter of a bar still on my stick. "You always finish before me. You eat it too fast."

"No, you just let yours drip while you stare off into space. You think too much."

"Coming from you, that's not saying a lot."

Axel raised his eyebrows, then leaned his head back in a hearty guffaw. "Not bad, Roxas. Maybe my bad influence is rubbing off on you after all."

I smiled, finished my ice cream in two bites and waved the now clean stick in front of Axel's face. "Maybe it is."

Axel laughed harder as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into a sideways hug as I let loose some satisfied laughter of my own. These were the moments I cherished. I almost didn't care whatever else happened in my life so long as Axel and I could keep having times like this – just talking and enjoying one another's company. No one I knew compared with Axel. He was one of a kind. And I liked that he was my friend.


	2. When Realizations are Made

_**Axel**_

After we returned to the Castle, I stepped into my room and shut the door behind me. I stood there with my gloved hand still resting on the knob. Something was wrong. But what was it?

Usually, things were simple; I did whatever I had to do to keep myself alive, and the rest of the time (if it suited me) I kept in line and followed orders. Sure, every once in a while I'd go off and do something for no particular reason, but that was only when my first priority wasn't compromised.

So why had things become so complicated recently? It almost seemed like something was nagging at me, something new that I hadn't had to bother with before. But what the hell was it?

I finally released the doorknob and began pulling off my gloves. Normally, I didn't mind them, but right now they seemed too tight for some reason. I walked over to the only piece of furniture in the room, my bed, right next to the only window, which provided a nice taunting view of the heart-shaped moon hanging in the sky. Kingdom Hearts, the goal that the Organization was working non-stop to obtain. I sometimes wondered if they had positioned the dormitories on this side of the Castle on purpose, just to ensure that the members had the same image entered into their subconscious when they went to bed and when they awoke every day. I wouldn't have been surprised… our leaders were kind of a bunch of conniving jerks.

I kicked off my boots and stretched out on the bed, legs out in front and hands behind my head. The members' rooms were assigned in order based on our numbers, same as our ridiculous chair heights in the White Room. All our personal rooms were exactly the same. (I'd been in two or three others, though I supposed Xemnas' room might have had a few extra items; I wouldn't know, having never been invited in there.) My mind wandered to the thirteenth room down the hall – Roxas's. I wondered if Roxas was looking out of his own window right now and seeing the same image imprinted in the dark sky that I was.

He certainly was developing more of his own personality. I thought back to when he'd waved that ice cream stick in front of my face. There was a light shining from him that had been too dim before, when he had hardly talked. In that moment, though, he simply glowed. Like the sun in front of us. A blaze across the twilight sky.

I smiled.

And then sat bolt upright. The sudden fierce movement made my head spin and I was dizzy for a second. I pulled my hand up to my mouth, but it stopped just short of getting there.

What was that? I thought. How…? I didn't let that idea complete itself. It couldn't have been. But, for a moment, I almost felt like… I felt.

No freaking way. That was impossible. I couldn't anymore. That was the curse of a Nobody – to remember what it was like to feel, but be unable to do so ever again. Well, except for Roxas, who remembered nothing of his Other life.

… Roxas.

I had smiled because I'd been thinking about Roxas. And not just the routine smile like I'd done since becoming a Nobody, pinching my lips up in the semblance of a smile because that's what I remembered to do when something was supposedly amusing. I had smiled this time because I'd found something in that memory of Roxas.

It was almost… happy.

I slumped back against the headboard. That was ridiculous. I must have been tricking myself, subconsciously wanting to feel again and imagining that I could for a moment with this new kid in the group.

Then again, Roxas was a different kind of Nobody. Maybe one of his unique talents was to awaken the dead Hearts within other Nobodies. But, no, that was impossible, too. Nobodies had no Hearts to awaken.

I gripped the front of my hair and pulled the fisted clumps forward. Stop thinking like this, I reprimanded myself, stop thinking at all!

I didn't need this. Things were going along well enough within the Organization. We were finally making real head-way toward our goal. Roxas was just another part of the plan. Why was I letting myself get so attached to the stupid runt?!

And then a faint memory surfaced in the back of my mind – a summer day, and me looking at a cute boy instead of at the ravine we'd come to explore. I had… felt… something similar then, I thought. It wasn't like the normal kind of attachment that I'd had with friends in the past. There were some members of the Organization I was friends with now. Demyx and I were friendly enough, or at least kindred spirits. I had been friends with Saïx, mostly before, back when we'd still had our Hearts. But Roxas… I was feeling something more with Roxas than I would have with a friend.

I closed my eyes and dragged my hands down along my face. If this had been my Other life, and if I had been honest with myself in those circumstances, I'd have said that Roxas was more like… a crush.

I banged my skull against the headboard. I admitted I was stupid sometimes, but I didn't think I was this pathetic. And sentimental (there were too many things wrong with that statement)! Here I was, having the first, potentially false, inkling of a feeling that I had had in I'd forgotten how long, and all of a sudden I thought I was in freaking love.

This was definitely not possible.

What was I supposed to do? Should I try to investigate this phenomenon further? Should I tell anyone else? Oh, absolutely not; I was at least positive on that course of action. If anyone else discovered that I suspected I was having feelings, that I was getting sentimental on the kid, they would view me as soft, and therefore as a liability, and therefore easier to be disposed of than dealt with. No, I thought, I will definitely not tell anybody.

_**Roxas**_

I came to know what a routine could be. I kept visiting different worlds, meeting new people and learning more about proper behavior every day. But there was always something I could count on to remain the same, something that never changed, no matter what may have happened leading up to it.

It was our ritual, a moment to look forward to, where my friend and I could spend time together. And we didn't even have to be saying anything particular while we were there. It was the fact that we were there, together, fulfilling our ritual that made it special. It was time we spent creating a shared memory, which we could visit whenever we couldn't be together.

Axel and I had already finished our ice cream, though we remained on the ledge of the Clock Tower, sitting silently and continuing to stare out at the horizon.

Until Axel asked me a question. "Can we go back to your room?"

I blinked and looked over at my friend. We'd never spent any free time in each other's rooms before. Axel had led me to my room when I'd first arrived at the Tower, and he'd come to get me for a meeting or for mission assignments, but that was the extent of our experience. A question like he'd proposed, then, was completely without precedent. Still, there was no reason why I would deny Axel entrance to my room, so I gave what I thought to be the most logical answer, "Okay."

Axel got up first and reached out his hand to take mine, so he could help me stand up as well. I took his offer, and then he called up a dark portal, which he gestured for me to step into first. He followed me through, and I found that he'd let it out directly across from my door. It was distinguishable from the others only by the raised indicators at the top center of the frame, an X followed by three I's. Usually, whenever we travelled back to the castle together, which didn't always happen, we'd come out at the beginning of the dormitory hall, and then walk along the numbered doors until we reached number VIII, Axel's, bid each other goodnight, and part ways. I'd then continue down the hall toward my own room. This sequence never changed. But Axel had done something different that night. I looked up at him as he came through the portal and waited for an explanation. He didn't provide one. He didn't even stop moving; he just placed one hand on my back and used it to press me forward so that we kept walking toward my room. He managed to guide us in and close the door even before the last remnants of the portal had vanished.

Axel finally stopped and seemed to be listening for a moment, I didn't know for what. I held still as well, mostly out of a lack of understanding what was going on. There were no rules saying we couldn't be in another Organization member's room after dark, which it now was, but Axel looked almost like he was breaking some rule by being there with me. He stood with his one hand still holding the doorknob and the other resting on my shoulder, having moved it up from my back when he'd turned around to shut the door.

After a minute or so, he finally released the knob, as well as a breath I supposed he must have been holding. Then, he finally looked over at me. There were no lights on in my room; neither one of us had bothered to flip the switch on the wall next to the entrance. The only light source was the glow of the heart-shaped moon outside. But I could still see Axel fairly well, in spite of the darkness. His flaming red hair caught the moonlight and looked almost purple. He kept hold of my right shoulder with his left, and then turned around so that he was facing me directly and placed his other hand on my opposite shoulder as well.

He looked at me for a little bit, glancing from one of my eyes to the other; I didn't know if he was looking or waiting for something else to happen. I was about to ask him if he wanted to talk, and took a breath through my nose, before I found my lips unable to form words.

Because Axel had pressed his mouth to mine.

I stood there, frozen, slightly dumbfounded. I stared wide-eyed at Axel's far-too-close features. His eyes had shut when his lips had made contact with mine. I had absolutely no idea what was happening; I had no memory with which to compare this experience.

After a little while (I couldn't say for sure how long we stayed like that), Axel broke our contact and pulled away. He opened his eyes, which darted around my face. They looked as if they were searching for the effects of the event that had just occurred. Axel licked his lips slightly.

I hadn't moved yet. I finally asked, slowly, trying to process something in which I couldn't find any meaning, "Err, what was that?"

"It's called a kiss, Roxas," Axel replied softly. Both of us were still staring fixedly into each other's eyes.

"Why did you do it?"

"You're always asking questions, aren't you, Rox?"

"Only cause I never seem to know what's going on," I shot back, getting annoyed. This was my greatest frustration – I never understood anything and no one would ever explain it to me properly, if they ever did it was only long after the fact and after I'd already looked or sounded like an idiot.

Axel sighed and leaned back close to standing at full height, though he kept his hands on my shoulders. "The thing is, Roxas, I know why some people are supposed to kiss, but we're not 'some people.' Nobodies have no reason to kiss."

"Then why did you do it?" I nearly shouted this time.

"Easy, easy," Axel finally raised his hands, palms out, in a defensive gesture. "I'm not sure, all right? I just…" Axel sighed again and ran a hand through his hair. "I felt like it."

Both of us Nobodies stared at each other, registering the ridiculousness of such a statement from either of us.

"Look, will you stop scowling at me?" Axel pleaded. "You know I hate it when you have that look on your face."

I didn't try and argue that other 'feeling' statement. I glanced away, softening my expression only slightly. I was still in no mood to play these stupid pretending games. "Is that why you wanted to come back to my room?"

"I…" Axel began. He cut his gaze to the floor and clenched both his hands into fists. "Look, I'm sorry if I freaked you out. It was just… an experiment."

"An experiment?"

"Yeah, so, no big deal, all right? Just… you know, what is it Vexen always says? 'The pursuit of knowledge' or something?"

"Was this Vexen's idea?"

Axel let out a bark of laughter. "HA! Hell no! Oh, but don't worry about mentioning it to any other member of the Organization, okay? It's a private experiment, and releasing the results prematurely would only corrupt the data."

"O-okay," I replied, not entirely sure I understood that last sentence.

Axel coughed and looked down at the floor again. "Okay, so um… see you later, Roxas." Axel raised his hand and twisted it in some gesture between a wave and a salute, then opened the door. He paused for a split second, turning slightly back into the room, but then he twisted around again and left.

I stared at the back of my closed door. What the heck had that just been?

_**Axel**_

I slapped myself in the face, hard. Why had I done that? What in this world had possessed me to do something so utterly stupid?

I was back in my own room, farther down the hall. I'd been quick in getting there; I didn't want to risk anyone seeing me out so late, or, even worse, seeing where I'd come from. That had been my reasoning in letting out the portal right outside Roxas's door. I probably could have talked my way around any suspicious excuses, I was good at using my mouth (I slapped myself again for thinking that), but I wanted to avoid a situation if at all possible. Thankfully, I'd managed to do that, but I had still gone through with my spontaneous effort at being a heartless romantic.

I had decided to act on my suspicions, or rather, act like I was acting them out. If I had a Heart on which to found them. I was being stupid, pathetic and foolhardy.

I'd made up that stuff to Roxas about an experiment in the moment, but, the thing was, it was actually true. That had been an experiment, an impetuous one, but still an honest experiment. I wanted to know if the stirrings of what I thought could potentially be feelings were actually real. I'd been thinking about what they would mean in my old life, so I tried another thing that would have most likely naturally followed in my old life. Even if I might have been skipping a few steps along the way. I mean, come on, this was an abnormal circumstance.

But I was still being ridiculous. Roxas was a great friend – the only friend I really had anymore. But that did not mean that I freaking LOVED the kid!

This couldn't get out. I settled on that quickly. I couldn't let the rest of the Organization know that I was acting this weak and desperate. Saïx would probably accuse me of using Roxas as my personal play-toy. In private, though in public he'd be sure I was demoted. It's true that I had become a bit possessive of Roxas. I had been telling myself it was because I was looking out for a friend, protecting him (at least mentally) from the Organization's plans. I knew some of the details. I found out more whenever it pertained to a new mission they had assigned me, or when Saïx 'let slip' something to remind me of the reality of Roxas' inclusion among our group of Nobodies, but I could only guess at the ultimate goal of the plan. Whatever it was, I knew it wouldn't be good for Roxas.

But why should I care? I thought. He's really only getting in the way of me looking out for my own skin in this place. It's true that all of my survival instincts pointed me away from Roxas, I admitted that, and I had been aware of that the whole time I'd known the kid, but I still kept being nice to him, joking with him, having freaking ice cream nearly every day with him. And then in a moment of pure weakness and idiocy, I'd gone and kissed him.

I was really starting to slip.

I had to forget about this. I had to move on. No matter if these stirrings were real or not (and they most probably were absolutely NOT), I had to act like there was nothing going on with me. For my own security, I had to put up that façade I'd managed to maintain the entire time I'd been in this stupid Organization and pretend like I didn't care, and I told myself, I really didn't, my mind was just playing tricks on me.

I really hoped Roxas wouldn't mention it again.

_**Roxas**_

I didn't really know what to make of that episode. Nothing really changed from it. In fact, Axel acted as if nothing had happened at all. We met up the next morning for a joint-mission, and after had ice cream at the Clock Tower. Later, when we returned to the castle, we came out of the dark portal at the end of dormitory hall, like usual, and Axel turned to wave at me before he went into his room and shut the door. Nothing had changed.

Or, at least, not that I could see.

I mean, I knew it had happened; I had the memory of the event (and I had so few memories that I kept well stock of them all). Just because Axel acted like it didn't happen, didn't mean that it didn't… right? He had said it was a private experiment, so maybe he was still evaluating the data he'd collected.

Not that I was really bothered by the event or anything. The… kiss, he'd called it… hadn't been bad, it hadn't hurt me or anything. But it was confusing. I wasn't sure what Axel had been trying to get out of it. I had no idea if I'd provided the proper response.

After a while I began to wonder – I had no experience of something like that, but did my Other? Did he have memories of a similar event? I doubted it. From what Vexen had said, I was around fifteen years old (or I should have been, but it was hard for me to consider that as my age when I didn't even have enough memories to make up a year of life; my outward age didn't seem important somehow). I guessed that my Other hadn't had much time to experience things of this nature before… well, before whatever it was that happened that brought me into existence. I still wasn't too savvy on the creation process of a Nobody.

There was so much that I just didn't understand. About how to behave, about Hearts, about my own existence. It really was just frustrating at times. Usually, whenever something came up that I was unfamiliar with, I asked questions, questions to try and help me understand. But, I couldn't learn anything if others kept giving me cryptic responses. That was the frustrating part, when I tried so hard to understand, and others wouldn't help me. Or, when I thought I had finally gotten the grasp of something, but then something new popped up that I had never experienced before. It just kept coming. Almost like, no matter how hard I tried, I could never understand it all. It drove me nuts.

Axel helped me, though. Whenever I'd complain about my frustrations to him, he'd find a way to calm me down. And he'd actually listen to me, and explain things to me so that they made sense. It was such a relief, to have someone actually keep things simple. He was my friend, and I trusted him.

That's why it bothered me when he said he was going away on a recon mission, and didn't know when he'd be back.


	3. In Danger of Drowning

_**Axel**_

I was playing so many sides of the field that even I had trouble telling whose team I was on sometimes. But, ultimately, I always knew where I stood.

And that was on my own side.

Whatever benefitted me, and my continued existence, that's what I did. It only came later that I began to hope for some chance at existence beyond a Nobody.

But it was never a very probable chance.

One thing I always made sure to do in the meantime was follow orders. That was my strategy – keep my head down, complete my missions, and be a good little soldier for the winning team. Of course, I did add my own personal touch to tasks now and again, a little flair if I felt any was lacking. It kept me amused, but it also ensured that other people never took me too seriously. I was capable, yes, I got the job done, but I wasn't the soldier my leaders had to be concerned with and carefully watch for hints of disloyalty. I was really quite good at acting.

I was like an ember, smoldering beneath the ashes. The heat I gave off was so faint that you couldn't really tell I was there. But I was. And my camouflage was my greatest asset. It allowed me to get away with things others would be punished for, to see or hear things that others usually kept secret.

You see, no one viewed me as a threat. And I wasn't really.

More like a covert liability.

However, the situation at Castle Oblivion was tricky, even for me. I knew the plan laid out by Xemnas for Sora. I knew the mutiny Marluxia and the others were plotting. But, for once, I couldn't predict which side would come out on top. So, I made sure I had 'credibility' with both. I managed to talk my way into the deviant cell to determine if Marluxia's plan could trump Xemnas's. Once I gained access, and 'proved myself' to the cause by eliminating Vexen (an act which, I admit, I lost little sleep over), I knew Marluxia couldn't win; not after watching Sora in action. Marluxia's plan was flawed. He hadn't counted on Sora's stubborn determination. And he underestimated him. To his own demise.

I could see it. I identified it the first time I met the kid. He was a lot like Roxas in that way. Or, rather, Roxas was a lot like him…

Nevertheless, after determining Marluxia's imminent failure, I knew Xemnas had sent me to Castle Oblivion for a much more specific reason than he had initially charged me with – he wanted me to take care of the traitors for him. Prove myself to him by willingly getting my hands dirty for the sake of his cause.

Well, if that's what it took to stay alive, then I had to do it.

Marluxia and Larxene were never on my 'favorite people' list anyway.

Watching Sora bothered me.

I admit, it was fun to mess with him, and damn could that kid fight, but at the end of the day, I wanted nothing to do with him.

He was too familiar. Sure, he talked differently, and had crazier hair in a different color, and smiled a lot, but, when I looked at him, I always saw Roxas.

There was a moment when I first met him, when I offered to give Sora a hint about what was most important to him, a moment that actually startled me. I tried not to let it show, but it was so potent that I couldn't help but react, though I'm positive my slight tell meant nothing to the boy.

Sora looked up at me, and his look was so determined, so sure, that I couldn't help but see the similarities to the stubbornness that Roxas always displayed.

I knew what Sora and Roxas were to each other, and I had expected the keyblade-wielder to look like his Nobody. But I wasn't prepared to see my friend so clearly in Sora's expression, not when I knew Roxas was lying fast asleep in the World that Never Was.

I thought about it. If Sora were to go on losing his memories, I reasoned, then he wouldn't need Roxas. Sora would continue advancing up the levels of Castle Oblivion, losing more and more memories with every step. By the end, he would no longer be himself. And Roxas could live as his own person. Conversely, if Sora regained as many memories as he could within the castle, then he would need to merge with Roxas at the end to complete the puzzle.

I'd say that first encounter solidified my conviction to take Sora out of the picture. The two boys were too much a reflection of one another for both to co-exist independently. I decided to help keep Sora advancing through the castle.

I didn't want to hurt the boy, not really, but I was pretty sure it was either him or Roxas.

And I already knew which one I would prefer to stick around.

_**Roxas**_

It was lonely without Axel. I continued going through the motions of life in the Organization, missions continued and I went to the Clock Tower every day, but it just wasn't the same. I thought there was very little point in it all. A main reason for this was my continued ignorance of most of the group's operations, but there was also a different kind of void lately. There was something missing without Axel around. I'd spent days without him before, but never a period this long.

Then, I was told that he had most likely been erased.

I didn't want to believe it. It seemed impossible that someone as strong and sure as Axel would allow himself to be… defeated. But he still hadn't come back, so it was hard to convince myself otherwise.

One day, on the way to receive my mission assignment, I stopped a little over halfway down the dormitory hall. Several of the rooms had been empty for days, almost weeks now, their occupants missing in action.

I looked at the door in front of me. At the relief at the top center spelling out the number eight, white insignia on a white frame. Nearly everything in this place was void of color. I slowly took a few steps closer, then reached out and placed my left palm flat against the center of the door.

I'd never been in Axel's room, had never been invited in as he'd invited himself into mine, but I knew that this is where Axel should be. And the simple fact was that he wasn't. I had no idea where my friend was, if he was even still in existence, and it hurt in my chest, somewhere deep down.

I knew that even if things were the way they had been before I fell asleep for so long, my daily activities would not change. But, with Axel, I could at least have had something to look forward to at the end of the day besides ice cream.

And then, suddenly, he was back.

It was almost like a miracle. I had thought he was gone, but now here he was, the same as ever.

And the first thing we did was go get some sea salt ice cream.

We were in Twilight Town, walking through the Tram Common, when I turned to my friend and said, "I'm glad you're back, Axel."

The redheaded member of the Organization gave a small laugh and turned to look at me, "How do you know, Roxas?"

I opened his mouth to respond, but then stopped, closing it again as I honestly considered Axel's question. I tried to find the words to explain my current mental state. It was certainly different from when Axel wasn't around, when I thought he would never return. The choking sensation I'd felt was gone. In fact, I felt freer and lighter than I could ever remember in my short existence, almost as if I were filled with a soft, warm air that carried me an inch or so off the ground. I realized that my outlook seemed different now as well. The uncertainties of my existence and meanings for all my missions were still there, but they seemed less important right then. They were far away, blurred by Axel's definite, clear physical presence in front of me.

"I'm not as worried as I was before," I finally decided on answering. "Things… seem better now that you're back."

Axel regarded me steadily with an unreadable smirk on his face. I figured I might be starting to blush and wondered if I'd just admitted something a bit too personal, though I wasn't sure quite why that thought would occur to me.

"Come on," Axel said, "let's get that ice cream." I fell into step beside Axel as we made our way to the vendor's stall. "Anyway," Axel continued, I sensed a different tone than usual in his voice, quitter and less abrasiveness, "no one would really miss me if I never came back."

I stopped walking. Something seemed to click over in my brain without me realizing where the switch had been.

Axel stopped himself and turned back to look at me, now trailing behind him. "What is it?" he asked.

I was silent a moment before answering almost under my breath. "You idiot. Didn't I just tell you that I felt worse when you weren't here? I thought you might have been erased and it hurt me." My hands had clenched into fists. I raised my eyes to glare at my friend, whose presence no longer provided the calm reassurance it had a few moments ago.

"Hey, cool it, Rox, all right?" Axel reached up his hands and pushed them slowly toward me, palms facing outward. That same defensive gesture he'd used in my room after the kiss. "I'm sorry, that just slipped out and I didn't mean…" He lowered his hands completely and sighed. "I'm sorry," he repeated.

I breathed in and loosened my clenched hands. I wasn't sure why I had gotten so angry all of a sudden; angry enough to be seconds away from summoning my keyblade and dueling my best friend who had just reappeared from possible non-existence. Axel had come to find me even before checking in at the castle, so no one else in the Organization knew Axel was back except for me. Axel had come to see me first, which had to mean that Axel considered me more important than any of the other members, even the Superior.

"All right," I said. "Forget it. Let's go." I began to walk forward again, attempting to smile at the redhead as I passed him.

Axel laughed as he continued on as well. "Thought you were going to pound me there for a minute, Rox."

"So did I, Ax." I began to jog the remaining distance to the ice cream vendor. I heard Axel's distance curse and exclamation at my actual attempt at a joke, already far behind me. I smiled genuinely as I continued to run ahead of my friend.

It was so good to have Axel back.

_**Axel**_

I was back at Organization headquarters, so I could have palled around with Roxas a lot more. Made up for lost time, you know?

But I didn't. Instead, I chose to act like an aloof jerk. It fit in with my general behavior; why not extend it to Roxas, then, too?

Being off on my own had reminded me of my first priority: me. I had lost focus of my main goal of looking out for number one. I told myself I couldn't let Roxas throw me off my game. I had to keep focus. I had to save my own hide.

But, man, was it hard not to get distracted.

It was all Roxas's fault. I knew it was. I knew he wasn't doing it on purpose or anything, but he was definitely the cause of my aberrant behavior lately. I just had to make sure that I didn't become a complete deviant and risk having my own neck end up on the line, just like Marluxia and the rest had done.

Damn it, why did Roxas have to be so trusting? Xemnas was using him, using all of us, really, but Roxas especially; the kid was a walking experiment, allowed to leave the lab, but they were still keeping tabs on him, on his progress. I'd seen the data files when Saïx didn't know I was looking at his computer screen. I guess it made sense; Roxas was an unknown entity, an anomaly even for a Nobody. They were letting him run around on his own, relatively, to see what he'd do, how he'd react. If he might 'develop,' or whatever. But, in the meantime, they were watching his every step.

It made me sick.

And speaking of 'sick,' Roxas was doing a number on my insides, too. During one conversation, I told him he sounded 'heartsick,' like he was getting a backflow of false emotions. I don't know if he really got what I meant, but it was starting to drive me a little nuts. Even more reason to try and avoid him, then.

He kept talking like we were real people, like we were Somebodies, and that wasn't doing either of us any favors. It was just ignoring our whole pathetic mess of an existence, what all us Organization members had chosen to give up, in our own way, and what we were all trying to get back.

I couldn't cut Roxas off completely, though. I liked knowing that he was still around. That, whenever I knew I wouldn't risk being compromised, and when I was tired of putting on a show for the others, he'd be at the Clock Tower, waiting for me. It was a small comfort.

I had to start watching myself around him more. Not just for my safety with the Superior and the others, but to retain our mutual understanding, our… friendship, if he wanted to call it that. There was a good bit, about Roxas, about the questions he'd ask me sometimes, about other things he hadn't even thought of to wonder about yet, that I actually did know. I was fairly high up in the pecking order after all, especially now with the numbers dwindled so significantly. And, there was a lot that I knew that I chose not to tell him. I couldn't. If I did, it would've seemed like I had been in on it. And I wasn't, I was just along for the ride.

I wasn't forbidden from telling Roxas. None of us were, exactly. We all knew. The others chose not to tell him because they honestly did not care. Xemnas just wanted to use him and lose him. I, however, was trying to keep this one saving grace I had, this one little thing.

So, I had to lie to Roxas, too. I had to pretend that I was just as innocent (or nearly) as he was. That I was in this with him. Otherwise, he wouldn't trust me anymore.

I had to keep that trust. It was too valuable a thing to lose.

_**Roxas**_

It bothered me that Axel didn't show himself as much as he did before. After he came back, I thought we'd go out on missions all the time together. But I barely saw him anywhere.

It gave me more time to think, but I was pretty sick of that, since that's about all I'd been doing while Axel had been away. But, since I knew he was safe, I found that I thought about myself a lot more, such as what my existence might mean. I still had no answers, of course, but at least I could go through some possibilities. I wondered why I was a 'special' Nobody. I suspected it probably had something to do with my perceptions, when I could pick up on things that the others apparently couldn't. Axel certainly made it apparent when I was behaving abnormally. He never let me get away with a sentence that could potentially be construed as having to do with feelings. It was so frustrating.

I didn't like being alone. I had discovered that fairly recently and found it to still be true. I would much rather have been with a friend. What's more, Axel avoiding me only made me more anxious.

After what felt like forever, we were finally paired up for a mission in Twilight Town. It was such a relief. Though we'd been other places together, I always associated that particular one with Axel. It was where we (had) ended every day together. So, it was kind of nice that that was our location. It seemed right. And, maybe, it might help us restore whatever it was that we had lost.

I tried to confide this to him after we had finished the task we'd been assigned. We were walking through the Sandlot, scouting the rest of the area for any stray Heartless, when I said, "I'm glad we got to be partners today, Axel."

Axel sighed heavily, and replied, "You can't keep saying stuff like that Roxas." He kept walking and didn't look at me, choosing instead to scan the far side of the lot that we had already been over.

"Like what?" I asked, my eyebrows drawn together in confusion.

"All this feeling stuff all the time – you're 'glad,' you were 'worried,' you had a 'scary' thought. Nobodies don't feel, so just drop it already, would ya?"

I glared at the side of Axel's head for a few seconds. This 'no feeling' talk again. I couldn't help the way I talked; the expressions just came naturally. I wasn't sure if I really meant them or not, but why did it matter so much? I stared ahead as I continued walking. If I'd been allowed to feel, I'd say I was upset right now. I didn't understand; if none of us felt, then why had Axel tried that thing with me that night in my room, that… kiss, Axel had called it… that thing that apparently shouldn't matter to Nobodies? But it did matter. It mattered to me anyway, though I hadn't recognized it until now. Did it matter to Axel? After all, he was the one who had initiated the action.

I decided to find out. "Axel, you remember that time in my room?"

Axel coughed. "Umm, yeah, Rox." There hadn't been too many times when Axel had even been in my room at all, so he knew instantly what I was talking about. "What about it?"

"Did that, um… was that supposed to… mean something?"

Axel still wasn't looking at me. He had his gaze firmly fixed on a lamppost thirty yards away. He'd stopped moving though, and I'd halted alongside him. "It was just an experiment. Nothing came of it."

I wanted to disagree with him, to say I thought something had developed from it, but I couldn't put that notion into words. It was too difficult a task. Plus, I sensed that, if I pressed the issue too much, Axel might clam up on me completely.

So, I tried another question, more general this time, but still along the lines of things I'd been thinking about recently. "How different are we from our Others?"

"What?" asked Axel.

"Our Others…" I replied, "Are we exactly like them or are we different? Do they look like us? Are our personalities the same?" I paused as I stared down at my feet, my hand playing with one of the metal silver tassels hanging from my coat. I could sense that Axel wasn't moving, guessing that I wasn't quite finished, I supposed. With a meaningful breath, I concluded, "Would they like the same things as us?"

I was too nervous to look up, but then I heard him remarking, "You say the dumbest things, Roxas."

I raised my head to see Axel walking away from me, but he waved his hand in a general gesture above his head, and I determined that he was giving me permission to follow him. I jogged a little to catch up, not wanting to lose him. Axel walked to the nearest bench and sat down, leaving plenty of room on his left side for me. I took the invitation.

We sat for a while, maybe about ten minutes or so. Then, I heard a shuffle and glanced to my right. The noise had come from Axel moving his foot along the packed dirt of the lot. He pulled both of his feet under the bench, only to push them back out again a second later. He was also tugging on his left sleeve, then gave up on whatever adjustment he was trying to make there and ran both hands along the tops of his thighs. Axel was fidgeting. I couldn't remember a time when I'd seen him so anxious.

Then, Axel decided to ask me a question. "You remember you asked me what it meant to 'love'?"

"Yes," I confirmed.

"Well…" Axel scratched the back of his head as he paused. "Usually, when two people… when they… want to… show… ARGH!" Axel released a grunt of frustration and slammed his fist into the right side of the bench. "Damn it, why do I sound so pathetic?!"

"What are you trying to say, Axel?" I asked. I hated to see my friend so stressed, and I also hated that I had no idea what to do about it.

"I want… tch, I don't know what I want."

I sat there, staring at Axel. Both of us at a loss on how to proceed.

"Just… just forget it, Rox." Axel waved his hand vaguely in the air, shaking his head as he began to push himself up off the bench to leave.

"Wait!" I exclaimed, at a volume which surprised even me a little. I reached up and grabbed Axel's arm, stopping the redhead in mid-motion. "Tell me, Axel. That's what friends do, right? Tell each other things they can't tell anyone else? That's what you said, isn't it?" I attempted a small smile. Axel looked steadily at me for a moment. I assumed he must have been weighing things over in his mind. It must have been a painful process, because Axel had a horribly constrained look on his face. The redhead looked down and noticed he was still in an awkward half-standing position. He plopped back down on the bench with an exasperated sigh, having admitted defeat, I supposed.

I let go of his arm, and let him sit there for a while longer. I waited patiently, kicking at a rock on the ground with my boot. Suddenly, Axel said, "This is so stupid."

Slightly startled, I turned back to look at him. Axel was leaning forward with his head bowed over his knees, hands tightly gripping his giant mane of hair. I couldn't help asking, "Your behavior or the situation?" and a crooked grin crept onto my face when Axel tilted his head up to glance at me sideways, otherwise not altering his position.

"Ha ha," he intoned. "The situation, oh witty one."

"Well then, why's it so stupid?"

"It's stupid because I shouldn't be thinking what I'm thinking." My eyes narrowed slightly. More of this talk again.

"Well you must be able to, or you wouldn't be thinking it," I argued.

"But…" Axel began, then he grit his teeth and almost snarled, "but I don't know how to deal with what I know I can't do!"

"Damn it, Axel, you obviously CAN so just deal with it, all right?!"

Axel's head jerked up. I was furious. I hadn't meant to explode like that (I couldn't remember when I ever had before), but I just could not stand another one of these pointless discussions that went nowhere about things that supposedly couldn't be but obviously were.

Or maybe they were only obvious to me? Was that the problem? Was I the only one who could recognize these 'feelings'? Maybe that's what made me 'special.'

"Look," I said, taking a breath and trying to calm myself down; I wanted Axel to confide in me not scare him away, "can you just try to tell me what's going on? Maybe actually saying it out loud will help you make sense of it."

Axel regarded me. I thought I detected an almost pained look in the redhead's eyes again, but it was somehow different this time. More outward? No. What was it…?

He finally said, "It's not that easy, Rox."

I didn't know what to say to that. And Axel didn't say anything else. So, eventually, we got up and called it a day. We barely spoke on the Clock Tower while we ate our ice cream.

And I didn't talk with Axel again for a while after that.

_**Axel**_

I was drowning. I was drowning so hard and so fast I had to haul myself out of that whirlpool soon or I'd lose my credibility and my mind.

But I had to protect Roxas.

That day in The Grey Area, when Saïx instructed him to go to Halloween Town and defeat a giant Heartless, I almost couldn't stand it. I wanted to warn Roxas. I wanted to tell him about the set-up he was walking into, because I knew how much it would hurt him if he ended up doing exactly what the Organization planned. I wanted not only to keep him safe, but to hide him away from the entire Organization, from everybody.

I wanted to yell at Roxas, "I think I love you, but there's no possible way I could! Do you realize how much that's screwing with my head!?"

But I couldn't, because I couldn't compromise myself. I couldn't risk defying the Organization. If I did that, if I came off as a threat, then they'd have me eliminated for sure. And that wouldn't be doing either of us any good. I wanted to keep Roxas safe, but I couldn't risk my own safety in the process.

So, I held back. It was at least convenient that my 'mission' for the day was to observe the confrontation, which was the only reason I knew of the deception in the first place. I let the masquerade play out as long as I could. Then, when I finally saw an opening, I jumped in the middle of the fight and stopped them. I knew I'd get some grief for it, but I figured I at least had a decent excuse to get by the Superior, or whoever I had to explain myself to.

Lucky for me, that person turned out to be Saïx.

Joy.

My old pal. We hadn't talked much recently, which was understandable; I was either hanging around Roxas or off on my own, and he was kissing the coattails of the Superior even more fervently than before. He'd been aiming to be the number two (so to speak) in the group since day one. He may not have looked it when we first joined, but he was a conniving little snake, that's for sure. But I could see through his schemes. The great thing was, no one could see through mine. My simple goal of maintaining my existence remained unthreatened, because, thankfully, only one other person knew me as well as I did.

Unlucky for me, that person happened to be Saïx.

"What's happening, man?" I asked as I walked through a dark portal onto an interior terrace of the castle, where I had been summoned by my 'friend' after spending some time at the Clock Tower… which turned out to be our last…

"Why did you interfere?" Not even a greeting, cut right to the chase. Oh yeah, this conversation was going to be great.

Even though he wasn't looking at me, gazing instead over the side of the terrace into the abyss of this abysmal castle, I shrugged. "Thought the charade had gone on long enough. You didn't seriously want the assets damaged, did you, Saïx?"

"The mission was to determine which of them would be the victor. You stepped in and ruined it just when we were beginning to see the results."

"Well, you've still got them both. You could always try another experiment."

"One that the boy can survive?"

I swallowed, but I tried to pass it off as indifference. "Tch, doesn't matter to me. Do whatever the Superior wants."

Saïx finally turned round and regarded me. "What has taken ahold of you, Axel?"

I blinked and leaned back a little. There was no covering my tell that time. Saïx had just voiced a question to which I'd been trying to figure out the answer for some time. Hadn't I just recently tried (and failed oh so miserably) to explain what I'd been going through to Roxas? But I would have been compromised. I'd been trying to fool everybody. Maybe the only person I'd successfully fooled was myself.

Saïx turned so that he was facing me completely. "You've changed, Axel. And I don't think you like what you've become."

My mouth set into a toothy grimace. I wasn't going to take these insinuations from this clown. I'd had enough of where he'd led me. "Shut up, Saïx. You have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh, I think I do. And I think the Superior would be most interested in what you've been doing behind closed doors."

My eyes went wide. He couldn't have known. Could he? No, he was just taunting me further, making the jab where he knew it would hurt the most. Still, I couldn't stand him at that moment. "SHUT UP!" I screamed, and stormed off of the terrace, back into the main part of the castle.

I didn't know what Saïx would do. Probably nothing. He'd probably just been threatening me with words, no facts to back them up. He was just trying to make me squirm. I'd really lost it, all the same. My defenses were breaking.

I couldn't keep doing this. I couldn't keep giving in to these echoes of emotions that I wish I had, that I was sure I must be creating because I had so much guilt for getting myself here in the first place. I was allowing myself to be compromised.

I had to stop going down this path. I had to stop playing pretend with a boy with whom I was imagining a relationship, a relationship that a Nobody could not have.

I had to stop lying to myself.

Thing was, despite my new resolve, Roxas found out the truth anyway. About himself. About it all…


	4. How We Left It

_**Roxas**_

He had lied to me.

Axel, my friend, had lied to me.

But… that's not what friends do. So, was he not my friend anymore?

I was confused, so very confused. I finally knew, at least partially, what I was, but I still didn't know exactly where I had originated from. How could I be a reflection? Even more, weren't _all_ Nobodies reflections of their former selves? But then, what was different about me being one? I ran my hands back through my hair and released an exasperated growl. I'd never get any of this straight on my own, not being here day after day completing the Organization's missions that were apparently only to use me for their benefit. I thought I was one of them, but, I supposed, I was only a part of their plans.

I needed to know more. And the only source left to me was Axel. So, I had to try.

I walked down the dormitory corridor to Axel's room that evening. Once I reached the correct door, I stopped for a minute and breathed. I knew what I needed to say. I just had no idea how it would actually play out.

I knocked three times in the center of the door. Right where I'd pressed my hand before, I realized, that time when I thought Axel was truly gone. It made my chest hurt even more to remember that time. I didn't have to wait long. I heard steps approaching from the other side of the door, and then it was opened. I glanced up, to look at his face to catch his reaction. He shifted his weight a little, but made no other move.

He tried to brush off this encounter as casual. "Hey, Rox. What's up?"

"I want to talk to you, Axel."

Axel coughed. "Uhh, okay. What about?"

"I… can I come inside?" I figured this might be a little easier if the two of us were in private. I suddenly realized, though, that I had still never been inside his room. Maybe I was forcing this encounter a little too much, but I had no idea how else to go about it.

Luckily, he relented. "Yeah, sure, I guess. Come on in." He stepped aside so I could walk past him. After I'd entered, he shut the door behind me.

I turned around to face him. I'd gone a few extra steps so that I was roughly in the center of the room. Axel took a couple steps forward as well so that we were closer together. "Okay," he said, "tell me what's up."

I swallowed and told myself that this was necessary. No matter what he'd done, Axel was still my friend. Or… I still wanted him to be. Had that been all a lie, too, though? No. No, I wouldn't believe that. He was still my friend. He had just slipped up a little by not telling me everything before. I was mad, but we could make it up. Right?

I gave him my proposal. "You know things, Axel, things you didn't tell me before." Here he looked down, but I pressed on. "So, I want you to tell me now. I know a bit more about myself, but… where do I actually come from?"

Axel only responded with silence.

I took in an attempted calming breath and tried to persuade him. "Axel, please. You're my friend, right? Tell me."

Axel looked me in the eyes. But something was off. I couldn't tell what, but there was something significantly different about the way Axel was looking at me now than the way he usually did. Instead of answering my question, he asked me one. "Why do you keep doing this?"

I was confused again. "Doing what?"

"Making me… making all these stupid comments about having feelings, like you can?"

Not this again. No, this was not what I wanted. Axel was going to turn this into another stupid debate on if we could feel or not? No way.

"Axel, that's not what I'm talking about right now. I want you to tell me-"

"Why can't you just do as you're told?"

Oh, that annoyed me. I glared at Axel and clenched my teeth, growling out in frustration. "Grahhh! I'm tired of just taking orders all the time without knowing why I'm doing it! I want to KNOW, Axel! I need to! Tell me!"

"I can't, Roxas!" he shouted. At least I'd finally gotten some sign of life out of him. "You need to stop this! Stop trying to put everything together, stop asking so many freaking questions, and for Pete's sake, stop talking like you _feel_ things!"

I couldn't stand it anymore. I'd had enough of this idiotic behavior and evasive talk of Axel's that always led us in circles.

I remembered the act Axel had done that day he'd come into my room. It was supposed to mean something else, right? Well then, maybe I could get Axel to act it out instead of trying to pull words out of him like thousand year-old tree roots from the ground.

Without giving warning, I grabbed onto the front of Axel's coat and pulled his face down to my own level. Then, I squashed Axel's lips up against my own. Axel staggered a bit from his sense of balance being thrown off, and he let out a muffled exclamation as I held him, unrelenting. We both kept our eyes wide open, me studying the consequences of my imitation of Axel's kiss all those nights ago. Axel's eyes were wide with nothing but utter shock. But I refused to move.

Finally, Axel blinked, coming out of his paralyzed stupor, and shoved me away hard by my shoulders. "What the hell, Roxas?!" he exclaimed.

"What?" I challenged. "That's what people who feel do, isn't it? Well, if you keep going on about them all the time, then maybe you should take your own advice, Axel."

"What advice?"

"Get it memorized." I pulled Axel toward me again.

Axel was better prepared this time, and managed to push me away, but his gloved hand slipped on my slick coat. His forward momentum brought him stumbling into my chest. I took advantage of this mishap and pulled Axel forward, but at the same time I took a step back and caught the edge of my coat under my foot, causing us both to tumble to the floor in an awkward mess. Throughout this unplanned trip, I did manage to keep ahold of Axel's coat. Axel struggled in a vain attempt to escape, but I refused to let go. I finally managed to roll myself on top of Axel, where I crossed my legs behind me and sat firmly on Axel's flailing legs. I then released my white-knuckled grip on Axel's coat to alternately grab each of Axel's forearms and pin them to the floor.

Finally fully in control, I bent down and again planted my mouth over Axel's. Axel had been panting as we fought, mouth wide open, and I found my tongue invading this space now that I had connected the two of us. I was disengaged twice as Axel attempted to bite me, his only remaining defensive tactic, but I refused to let Axel win this one, and I came back both times with even more force than the last. Eventually, Axel stopped struggling, not giving in but at least allowing me to continue my actions uninhibited.

I didn't really know what I was doing; I was just imitating what Axel had done to me before, and this had already gone on much longer than that encounter. But I knew, if we had been beings with Hearts, this would mean something special to each of us. A new step in our friendship. Or, if this involved a higher level of love, as Axel had been attempting to explain to me, maybe this meant more than friendship? In any case, I desperately wanted to move on from… whatever it was that kept Axel talking in circles.

I kept kissing Axel, again and again, hoping that the repetition of the action would eventually achieve some response from the man. But Axel just lay there, hardly moving as his mouth was assaulted.

Finally, horribly out of breath, I stopped. I sat there, on top of Axel, panting hard. Axel just stared up at me. I noticed his mouth was red from the repeated attacks. I supposed my own must have looked similar.

"Are you finished now, Roxas?" Axel asked, impassivity firmly etched on his face.

I stared at my friend, still trying to catch my breath. I couldn't fathom Axel's ability to remain so unmoved by the passionate force with which I had just ambushed him. Axel just stared right back. He asked, "Why did you do that, Roxas?"

My mind went back, yet again, to that night in my room when Axel had first kissed me. I'd demanded a similar question of him then, at the time having absolutely no idea what was going on. Now, I'd reversed our roles, though I was obviously a lot more violent and demanding that Axel was right now. He almost seemed passive. And that annoyed me even more.

I swallowed and plainly stated my intentions, "I was trying to make you feel, idiot."

Axel's eyes went wide, then he abruptly shoved me off of him with a great push of his right arm.

I tumbled painfully to the floor. Could Axel have done that at any time during our struggle? Axel stood up and turned his head to look down at me. I glared right back (it seemed like we were doing a lot of that lately); I tried to convey a defiant challenge in my whole body, in spite of my position on the floor.

Axel blinked, and I once again swore I saw something like pain in my friend's shockingly green eyes. Then, he hauled me up by my coat's shoulder, dragged me over to the door, opened it, and essentially threw me out of his room. I stumbled into the wall on the opposite side of the hallway, but managed to turn around just in time to witness his parting words. "Try aiming for less impossible goals, Roxas," he said, and with that, Axel slammed his door in my face.

I stood there for a beat, then yelled out in frustration and slammed my fist into the wall. I let myself slide down into a position halfway between crouching and sitting and brought both my hands up to cup directly in front of my eyes, pushing into them as if I could rid them of the image I still saw of Axel's eyes. I knew it was possible for Axel to feel, I just _knew_ it. The same way I was sure I could sometimes. Only, it was harder to get it out of Axel, probably because the man fought against it so hard for some reason. I didn't understand why he would. Wasn't that the goal we were fighting for?

I felt something wet under my hands and realized that more water drops had come out of my eyes. I wiped my right hand across my cheek and brought it a little in front of my face, so I could see the moisture I'd removed. Why did I do this? Did it mean something? Was it a sign of an important clue? I didn't know. I had no way of knowing because I could never get any answers. Not out of anyone, no other member of the Organization.

Not even my best friend.

I wiped the rest of the liquid off my face and stood slowly. I felt injured and drained, like I'd just gone head-to-head with a particularly nasty Heartless. I mostly stumbled back to my own room, not because I was seriously hurt, but more because I was so disoriented. I was having trouble focusing on the floor in front of me, like it kept going in and out of focus, even though I was pretty sure there was nothing wrong with my eyes, despite the water still dripping from them every once in a while.

I managed to make it down the hall and into my room, where I promptly collapsed face-first onto my bed. I was so tired, but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. My head and my chest hurt too much.

I rolled over onto my back and stared at the ceiling. I wondered how my chest would feel if there had been a Heart inside it. I reached up my right hand and laid it on top of my ribcage, where I imagined a Heart would be. I'd heard someone (Marluxia? Zexion? One of the members who wasn't around anymore.) mention the existence of Heart-beats. As if, a Heart would gently thump inside one's chest in a regular pattern.

I felt nothing.

No, that wasn't right. I _did _feel, damn it. _I DID_. The water leaking from my eyes must be an indication of a feeling, coming from way down deep inside of me. I just couldn't feel the beat because it wasn't whole yet, or something. There had to be a reasonable explanation for it.

I had never wanted a Heart so badly in my life.

Axel was wrong. Kingdom Hearts was possible. And I'd prove it to him. I'd make my friend see, even if it took all of my energy – it was possible for Nobodies to feel.

Maybe if I did it right, if I found the right key, used just the right technique, maybe I could actually feel my Heart-beat.

_**Axel**_

Three words.

That's all I wanted to say.

Just three little words that meant so much to a Heart.

But, of course, I didn't have a Heart, and neither did Roxas. So what significance could those words possibly hold for either of us? Perhaps simply the fact that they shouldn't matter, that they couldn't. That was one of the two main reasons why those words never passed my lips – the words could never mean anything to us. So why bother, why pretend?

And that was the second reason why I would never say them, because what would possibly be the point of fooling ourselves into believing otherwise?

But then, why did they keep crossing my mind to begin with…?

It was almost maddening, having to watch myself all the time. I'd never had to regulate my reactions so much before. So many times I had to catch myself before I made a move that would put me in jeopardy.

Eventually, I'd discovered a way to virtually guarantee no slip-ups, a method that would almost certainly keep me safe from then on.

If I was fighting against the illusion of feelings, then I had to turn off any imitations of them I still portrayed. I'd still go about my normal, witty self, but, if I was compromised, I would hardly respond at all when any movement could give me away. Then, hopefully, my mind would follow; I'd break this stupid illusion I was under.

I made myself dead inside so that I would act that way on the outside.

And that's what I did when Roxas kissed me.

I turned myself off, simply let it happen. Since I wasn't really succeeding in struggling against it, and there was no way I was going to indulge this other lie he was trying to coerce me into, I became impassive.

It worked.

But it still hurt.

_**Roxas**_

I couldn't sleep the night before. Too many thoughts were going around in my head, all crowding around each other and fighting for space. It was a mess. Not just my head, but everything. One of my friends was gone, the other wouldn't talk to me. I had no other sources to trust. Everything just… moved away from me, like they were fading into the darkness.

I didn't want it to be this way. I wanted to go back to what it had been like before, when it was just us and the horizon. Those had been the best times, the times when I'd enjoyed just being. It wasn't the particular flavor of the ice cream, or that same magnificent view of the sunset every day, or the downtime after the day's mission. It was spending time with my friends. I knew that now.

…

And after that day, I'd never get another chance to.

I left the 'WINNER' ice cream stick in Axel's room as a memento, I guess. But, it was more like a reminder, a note without paper, to say, in spite of what had happened, more than anything, I wanted him to know that I wouldn't forget the times we'd shared, that I wouldn't forget the friendship we'd had, no matter where I went. It was a note to myself, too. I told myself to never forget that time. Never, no matter what may happen to us or where we may go, never forget that last time at the Clock Tower.

But right then, after hearing Axel give me silence instead of answers, I just couldn't bear it anymore. I wanted things to be like they were, but I saw that they would never be the same. The only world I've ever known was gone.

_I tried, but…there's nothing left for me here._

I was finished. With Axel. With the Organization. With Everything.

So, I left.

_**Axel**_

That bastard.

That stupid, naïve little bastard.

Did he honestly believe no one cared about him? Was his head really that thick?

Or was he just playing me, playing me like I'd been playing everyone else the whole damn time?

'_No one would miss me…'_

I remembered how much those words had upset Roxas when I had first said them after coming back from my mission at Castle Oblivion. The kid had shaken it off after I had apologized, but I knew they had hurt him, much more than they should have for a Nobody. But maybe Roxas could be hurt by words just as much as anybody could be injured from a blade. After all, Roxas was different – an odd existence, even for a Nobody. I knew that, and then Roxas had found it out, and now he was going on some kind of self-annihilating crusade.

But, before he'd gone, Roxas had thrown those words right back at me. I didn't know whether Roxas had deliberately tried to hurt me in that same way (I wasn't sure if he was capable of that kind of manipulation), but the irony was there all the same. And that did hurt me… somehow. It hurt me that my friend could turn those words around and use them in the only lie Roxas had ever told me.

He had to have known that what he had said wasn't true, he _had_ to have. Otherwise, why would the words hurt so much…?

I knew then that I had been wrong. That I couldn't deny the feelings I had felt, real or not. I felt them. However a Nobody could. I had to stop worrying about _how_ and instead _act_ on them. I had been preventing myself from doing that all along.

No more.

I wanted to be my own man again. I wanted to still operate with my interests in mind, but do what _I_ wanted to do, go about things how _I_ thought best. No more being tethered to a chain like a dog.

I guess you could say I had a sudden 'change of Heart' that night.

Still, I couldn't help but let my mind wonder as I lay in my room for the last time. I kept coming back to one final question …

_How did this happen?_

_**Roxas**_

I didn't get far.

I suppose it was inevitable. I guess I was never meant to survive on my own, and, in a way, I didn't. I always operated by the planning or operations of someone else. I never had a chance to be my own person. I had tried. I had tried _so hard_. I'd tried with my friends… with Axel… but Axel wouldn't let it happen. Axel had made it so that I had no basis for trust in my life. He'd tried to stop me from learning about myself, where I came from and why I was there. Sure, there were other factors at play, but Axel, he had led me on, made me put all my faith in a lie. It was ironic – the one person in all the worlds I had thought I could trust without question had been the one who had taken advantage of my trust the most. It hurt me. I almost resented Axel for playing with me like that.

And then, I had hardly left the castle before I was stopped by this new obstacle, a silver-haired boy who changed into a man, another force preventing me in my search. Was wanting to understand my existence such a bad thing, was it wrong somehow? Would I _ever_ understand?

Maybe, I was never meant to exist at all.

_**Axel**_

Twilight Town.

How many visits had I made to this world? How many times had I sat at the top of that Clock Tower looking out at the horizon? How many times had I had sea-salt ice cream with Roxas?

…

How many times had Roxas had ice cream anyway even when I hadn't shown up?

I knew the circumstances surrounding some of those times I couldn't have helped, especially all the time I'd been at Castle Oblivion. But there were still plenty of times when I just… couldn't. I had stayed away on purpose. I could say that my reasons had varied each time, but the only real variation had been in my mood. The underlying reason had remained the same – I couldn't face Roxas after what had happened and what I had found out about him.

I hated lying to him, even though I kept doing it, so I had stayed away on purpose so I wouldn't have to. Because I couldn't have told him. Telling him would have destroyed what we had together. _And would you look at that, _I thought,_ I was right_. Roxas had found out the truth about his existence (or non-existence), and he had left. I usually took satisfaction in being right in reading and predicting other's behavior, but somehow, in this instance, I didn't feel very proud.

I climbed the last of the stairs at the back of the Tower and walked along the surrounding ledge to the front. I moved to the edge and stood there, free ice cream bar in hand, the one I'd gotten by redeeming the stick I'd found in an envelope in my room, and I gazed across the extremely familiar layout below me.

How many times had I had ice cream at the top of the Clock Tower without Roxas?

One.

I sat down on the ledge and took a bite.

I had always lied, in part, to Roxas, through our entire friendship. But mostly, I had just withheld truths, since that seemed to be different from making stuff up to tell him. It was less unforgivable. I told myself I didn't want him to worry or flip out. I told him it wouldn't do him any good to know. I told myself I was protecting him. I wanted things to stay the way they were, just like Roxas had. Then, Roxas decided he had to know who he was, and that mission was more important than maintaining the serene illusion we'd managed to create. That personal mission destroyed him. I was left alone in the end, the last one standing, clinging to the stupid notion that we could stay ignorant. And keep that impression of happiness.

I knew what I had to do now. I also knew what my orders were, but somehow I didn't think the results would be exactly what my remaining superiors in the Organization had in mind.

I wasn't doing it for them anyway, in fact, they were the last people I gave a damn about in this circumstance. I decided I would go out on a selfish act… an act of the Heart.

Even if it destroyed me.

I bit off the last piece of my ice cream and looked at the blue-stained stick. There were no words spelling out 'WINNER.'

_That's for the best_; _no reason to come back, then_.

I stood up on the ledge and tossed the stick into the air before me, letting gravity take it all the way down to the empty plaza below. I didn't watch it fall. Once I'd discarded it, I called up a dark portal right in front of the tower wall. Immediately after I stepped through, it sealed up behind me, shutting me off from the ever-setting sun…

… on which I never looked back.

I had a mission to complete.

_**Roxas**_

I was happy.

Life was good. I was on my way to meet my friends, Hayner, Pence and Olette, at the Usual Spot. We didn't have much going on right then, it being summer vacation and all, but we still managed to find something to do every day. We'd come up with some mission or other to keep us busy. And after, lots of times, we'd go up to the top of the Clock Tower and have ice cream. Up there, looking out over the town toward the sunset, that was my favorite place to be. It felt… right.

But, the most important thing to me, the thing that I treasured most in my life, was my friends. They gave me faith and courage and hope. Without them, I had nothing.

Without them, I would have been nobody…


End file.
